My fellow Americans,
As you may or may not know, there is a proposal making its way through the legislature that, if passed, would pay citizens to spend money. Under this plan, an individual taxpayer will get approximately $600 with the understanding that they spend it not on existing debts or new investments, but on goods and services in order to stimulate the domestic economy.
I could buy a lot of great stuff for $600. A fancy MP3 player, half of a shiny new laptop... I could finally upgrade my 15 year old pro logic receiver (and get some real speakers for it to boot). But then I got to thinking: if I'm being given a small windfall to spend with the specific purpose of helping prop up my fellow citizens' financial outlook, what would be best way to do it?
I imagine it would involve keeping much of the money (if not all of it) domestic so it had the opportunity to recirculate. Additionally I would rather it support a small business than a large one to minimize the likelihood of waste in corporate bureaucracy (a pet peeve of mine). Sadly this rules out 99% of consumer electronics. I had to think smaller.
The service industry came to mind. Buying a year's worth of maid services or car washes would fit the bill so long as the businesses employ legal workers. There's a locally owned gym nearby that offers month-to-month memberships - that would make a lot of sense for me if I didn't loathe working out. If thrill-seeking were my goal I could go skydiving three times and still have cash left over for a terrific dinner.
But I have a better idea.
If the House, Senate and President of the United States enact this economic stimulus plan and I receive a rebate, I hereby pledge to use my rebate, in its entirety, to find a single independently-owned distillery within the United States from whom I will purchase as much locally-distilled whiskey (of satisfactory merit) as possible and distribute the bulk of these spoils to friends and colleagues.
It is my belief that these actions represent the best I can do for my countrymen and their financial well-being and heartily encourage my fellow citizens to act with the same selfless regard for their economy and sobriety.
Thank you, America. Be safe out there.
- A Pledge